everything isn't profound
how to live a life of purpose without pressure
i woke up later than intended this morning with the immediate question stirring in my head - what is my purpose today? why do i need to get out of bed? does every day need to be purposeful? what does that even mean?
it is 20 degrees and snowing again in michigan after a string of (deeply cherished) unseasonably warm sunny days. what a strange feeling it has been to hold the hands of joy and grief while people are being bombed, the planet is warming and we are here comfortably basking in the sun in the dead of winter.
i am house sitting on the east side of the state and the thrill of being in a new space is already starting to fade. i’m settled in but still living in limbo where i don’t feel motivated to do the things i planned to while being here. i wanted to treat it like a vacation, but a productive vacation, like a retreat. somewhere to work on my personal practice and routine, somewhere to get inspired. but i’m finding myself feeling more and more uncomfortable in this space. too much clutter, too much that doesn’t feel like home.
the most peaceful part about being here is going outside and walking around the property, feeding the chickens and saying hello to the neighbors horses. but now that it’s bitter cold, windy and snowing, that has begun to feel more like a chore than a luxury. so instead i turn to sitting in the chair by the window with my cat, watching the birds and sipping my tea. this is restful. but for how many days longer can i watch the same birds eat from the feeder?
and so i ask again, what is my purpose?
the days i feel i need motivation, i take my meds, i get things done, and at the end of the day i plop down in a chair with an audible sigh of “i did something today.” but what is my purpose? what gets me out of bed every day? to feed the cat. to go outside.
this is what happens when i’m not busy. living feels sort of pointless. i want my waking life to be more exciting than my dreaming life. sometimes it is that way. but at this point in time, my dreams are pulling me to sleep longer hours. perhaps this is just the curse of the dark michigan winters, and i’m forgetting the toll it takes on my body and spirit year after year.
maybe i can say that right now my purpose is to simply enjoy things. to come back to my body. walk around in the snow. feed the sourdough starter. read a book. drink water. practice gratitude for the privilege of time and space i have to do these small, seemingly unprofound things.
it’s easy, when i’m living in my head, to circle back around to the idea that i have to work. make. share. do. move. change. grow. find a big wild purpose that is only my own. but not everything is profound and often things are messy and imperfect.
so this is where i am, right now.
today my purpose is - be alive, be gentle, be kind, be loving.
love, s