ramblings on change
me me me i i i
nowhere to start this. lately i’ve been allowing myself to lean into the magic that is my ever-shifting nature. how to accept that i am not one to always finish projects. how i have many ideas moving through me every day and only some of them just barely make it past the idea stage. even then.. the project/idea/creation/thought/dream/whatever it is in that moment in time is often just that.. some thing for that specific moment in time. it is passing. it is for engaging with the energy and moving on. this happens every single time i sit down and write here too. i have a backlog of unfinished words that felt important at the time to get out. then they are not finished. then they are not shared. this is okay. the purpose, it now seems, is simply to let it go.
i’ve been coming to more and more realizations on what i really desire to do creatively. looking at everything in my life as a creative act. a creative outlet. a relationship can be a creative thing. for me it has felt that way. creation. finding new ways to communicate, to understand the self and the “other”, to allow emotions to move through my body in ways that surprise me, a lover as muse. but not really in the stereotypical western romantic sense. the muse being the experience of transformation. the moments of inner child wounds coming up to the surface and then the dance that comes with that. i am feeling more and more creative every single day. creative with the way i allow myself to simply be. creative with the ways i feel through the veil. creative with how i give myself the time to move with the emotions to come to neutral and embrace non-duality.
every day i crack open and expand my capacity to love. every day i am feeling fucking raw. every day i am releasing old stories and forgiving a little bit more. every day i am so lucky to be alive.
i’ve been in the depths of my human design era since, i think, december. this has been a nice tool to add to my kit of shit. i’ve inhabited a body that has a bit of a speedy emotional chaotic investigative nature here (as a 5/1 emotional mani gen) and the information i’ve gathered about myself and others is allowing me to accept my own design and not strive to be like others… which is helpful to say the least.
a couple things i’ve wanted to be, but maybe am not:
somebody that finishes everything they start. sticks with every project/job/relationship for years.
i am grateful i do not do these things. that idea is mostly.. from.. dare i sayy.. conditioning??? i am allowing myself the space to learn what i need to learn and move on to the next thing when it is truly time. this is okay. this is safe.
somebody that looks outward to understand the self. writing in a way that is poetic, wise and not about the self.
i am going to find the answers within (the universe that is me) and then see the outer world (mirrored universe) through that. i am going to find it in a million different chaotic ways. this is okay. this is safe.
the new project idea i’m obsessing over (as of the past week basically) is devouring the entirety of the definitive book of human design and reading my friends body graphs for them. whatever, this is maybe a controlly pushy aspect of myself that wants everyone to “see” themselves and each other in a new light. blah blah blah. anyway this idea could thrive and die at any point in time and my affirmation is… LET IT DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don’t know much but what i do know is that, every day i am evolving. i am feeling enlivened. i am entering into the darkness and coming out a bit more full of love. all i want to do is be outside again. i want to commune again. i want to share what i can in whatever capacity.
i want to rebrand on the internet all of the time as i am constantly rebranding the silly character that is sierra. this maybe means.. changing whatever joy vessel is or was. it was something that carried me through the cold dark lonesome days of winter. but it doesnt feel the same today. i dont want to be sitting. i dont really want to sell things. i dont want to look at screens and post on the internet. i want to move. i want my art and my sharing to be about moving. moving the body, moving energy, moving words, sound. as much as i value a stillness practice.. i am A MOVER. that is my art. that is my creative act. moving through the world in a way that may seem chaotic, but it has a sense of grace and ease as i accept my being more and more in every moment.
did any of that make sense? who cares. last week i swam in lake michigan. next week is my birthday and a new moon. i will be outside. i will feel love. thats all i know for now.
BURNING LOVE,
s