the act of losing oneself through fear of losing love for oneself
the current theme is: hibernating, warming, bleeding, avoiding looking at my planner and emails at all costs, feeling resistance to writing this because frankly i have a bunch of jumbled feelings, notes and ideas.. and possibly a little bit of just suppressing the scary feelings that i most wanted to talk about to begin with.
with avoidance brings the guilt of not being reliable, not staying true to my word, not being disciplined, not taking responsibility or accountability. trying to shift this narrative has been so big for me.
most recent planner to-do list looked like:
thurs: joy vessel practice
fri: joy vessel post
sat: joy vessel practice + ship mini vessels
sun: joy vessel logo deadline
mon (yesterday): joy vessel newsletter
the optimist in me says “hey, some of that happened. little tiny (important) bits and pieces of it happened!” but most of it just stared back at me in blue, hauntingly. i didn’t consciously plan to go into a dark hole of misery, doubt and sickness for all of those days. but hm, is it allowance of much needed rest or is it excuses? this one is confusing to me. i’m learning.
here i am now. reluctantly writing so i can keep up a practice. on the other side of the gemini full moon. the moon of changing perspectives + shedding.
thursday night i was sucked into a SUCK HOLE of scary. a suck hole of perhaps the dreaded shadow, low vibrations, negativity, heaviness. every ounce of trust i had in myself was shaken up inside of me and swirled around in a dense fog of uncertainty. i drank the wine (literally and figuratively) that i hadn’t in a long time. i was shown things that i already knew about myself but have previously declared no longer on my path. like shit that exists on a timeline that i’m not riding.
i have been working so hard (and so easily) to open my heart up as much as possible, but perhaps lost my footing. this vulnerability and trust in others without the clear boundaries and grounding in myself caused me to allow the fog to roll in. to question everything i had been feeling, all of my practices, everyone i had trusted. that will really take you out. i got my light snuffed for a few days.
i became so paranoid that darkness was all around me and i needed to GET RID OF IT ALL. i was on a mission to purge. all that was in my way. everything i own, everyone i know. i created piles and piles of shit. i threw things out, i donated them, i brought them to consignment. as fast as i could. but i was getting really sick. my back pain came back as an entirely new demon. all of my fear was manifesting not only in my head but in the physical body too.
despite the desperate attempt to stick to my routines and meditate and cleanse the energy of my space and body, i felt like nothing was working. or it would for a moment but i couldn’t hold on to it for very long because every bodily movement i made i would just cry. so much crying. so much crying on top of a fucked up head cold and a blown out back.
i was making reactionary, fear-based, impulsive decisions. unable to communicate because i couldn’t even figure out where i was or what i was doing. simply operating at a place of fear of losing the love and compassion i had previously found for myself. guided by fear of losing my way home.
sunday night i was able to release, reflect and call the energy back to myself. like a swan dive into clarity. i communicated. i apologized. i sat in love. things get better. the light doesn’t disappear. the path is still there.
BIG to-do:
break karmic cycles
heal ancestral wounds
through the small to-do:
be gentle
be kind
go slow
go inward
be grounded
have grace
always trust your divine knowing (intuition)
keep practicing
love your mother
something i heard and wrote down:
THE VESSEL BECOMES THE PURE ACTION
right now i interpret this as... the vessel (the act, the art, the service, you) becomes the pure action (the higher community service)
Filleth thy cup:
returning to the traditional Hawaiian prayer of reconciliation and forgiveness, Ho’oponopono (i’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, i love you)
warm lemon water + a variation of this smoothie every morning
hot shower with tea tree eo + ending with cold water (at least) 30 seconds
still and always forever, deep lymphatic massages
crying a lot (release)
expressing gratitude and giving kisses to everything
thanks for sitting with me,
s